Cheated

So I consider myself a VERY honest person. In fact I am not sure if it's my true heart or if by default God just made me a very bad liar so I have had to resort to being honest. All of my posts are honest and now I am going to be overly honest but blogging for me is somewhat therapeutic so here it goes.

Since August of 2007 I have tried so hard not to feel cheated. Not to make Jackson's liver transplant all about ME. After all, he is the one who spent time in a hospital sick not ME. I have tried not to feel so cheated like I missed so much precious development time but in the last few weeks I can't help but feel this way.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Addyson is 3 months and this is time I missed with Jackson. Time I spent questioning whether or not he would survive and when I would hold my beautiful boy again. Addyson is at such a fun age. She's starting to really engage in life outside of her own little world. There are so many things she does that I didn't get to see with Jackson. (I know eventually he did but not when he was "Supposed to").

I feel guilty. After all I shouldn't feel this way, should I? Another part of me feels guilty with Jackson. I feel bad that I wasn't able to hold him and play with him the way I do with Addy when he was her age. This may come across as crazy but seriously, unless you have been there I don't think you can truly understand.

The other day I remembered there are a ton of pictures and videos from time spent in Chicago on my old laptop and I wanted to make sure to burn cds of them before the computer completely died on me. Looking over those pictures was heart breaking. I didn't recognize my baby! Not only because he's grown so much but he looks so SICK and I never noticed it at the time. I thank God that this is not the situation we are in anymore and at the time I never thought we would be at the point we are today. I think one picture that stood out in my mind was the first time I was able to hold him after his transplant. It was almost a month that I had to go without holding him. I cried so hard the first time I could hold him because as a mom of a 3 month old that is how you spend most of your day, holding your baby. Sometimes I feel guilty and bad for Jackson because I can hold Addy whenever I want and I wasn't able to do that with him. I remember his beautiful eyes that seemed to say help me mommy. It broke my heart.

I guess I still feel cheated but mostly for Jackson. I question daily if he will ever fully catch up with his peers or if he is going to live his life being behind them developmentally. I know I can't control any of this besides keeping him in therapy and working with him all the time but he's not going to magically catch up and be the same. He will always be different and people don't like different (especially kids). I worry if he will get mocked by kids for being different. I guess some things I shouldn't worry about because they haven't even happened yet but my mind often wanders to the future. I also pray that he can remain healthy. Sometimes I wonder if this liver will be good enough for the rest of his life or if in 5, 10, 20, 30 years he will need another liver. Many unanswered questions that I guess I won't know til I'm there.

Anyways...these are all very random thoughts but now that they are out in blogger world maybe they can make their way out of me! Sometimes I just have to remind myself my son is alive....most parents don't even have that worry(good for them) but I should just be happy he is here with me. Part of me knows it's silly to think this way but there is a part, obviously, that knows this is a reality and that I really do feel this way. Thanks for reading and trying to understand where I am coming from.

Steph